The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
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There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
This guy gets it.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.