My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
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*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?