[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
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noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Ferrari squats
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.