women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
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“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
wishing you and yours all the best
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children