Bartenders are just boneless bars
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I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Has science gone too far?
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.