smh
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Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit