I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
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Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
A drum solo but on your face.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Merry Christmas
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.