Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
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For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me