Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
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WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.