Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
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Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs