One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
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My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Did…did a minotaur write this
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there