Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
You Might Also Like
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.