2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
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Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
What a kind woman! 😂😂
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Watson was Holmes schooled
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.