Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
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A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Me recordaron éste meme
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
🙋♀️
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …