[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
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My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
c’mon!
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.