My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
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ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.