GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
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Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying