I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
You Might Also Like
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.