[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
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Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.