My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
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Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
No, I don’t think I will.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Me, in DM rooms…
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
My dog ate my work from home.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
*limbos away from your hug*
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.