I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
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[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.