Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
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When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
We avoided this particular disaster
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Boating season is upon us.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’