Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
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Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean