Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
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You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Those are good neighbors.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
When you don’t understand how floors work
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Important reminders
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.