Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
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My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I can’t stop laughing at this
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.