STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
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There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.