You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
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“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.