I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
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I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My flabber has been gasted.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one