If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
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Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.