me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
You Might Also Like
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Some of y’all tomorrow …
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter