I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
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I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
This is my pinned tweet
United Steaks of America
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
i like to flex on them by shrugging
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Jail
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much