Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
You Might Also Like
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
This is my emotional support knife.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong