Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
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Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”