Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
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That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Why am I like this?
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd