we’re gonna need another temp
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George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
so much to do
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
meow
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.