I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
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Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I’d use my best pan on you.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control