“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
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Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Today’s Times
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Doctors texting each other.
I have obtained a hat
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.