“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
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GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.