warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
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I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
(Electricians.)
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
🤣🤣🤣
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason