Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
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[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.