In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
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Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no