7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
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Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Planet of the Apps.
The Struggle
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…