[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
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*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills