If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
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Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
my proudest tweet
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot