You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
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It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I WON A HAM TODAY
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”