[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
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Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Time heals everything 🙂
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.