Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
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Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Good dog. ❤️
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
pizza
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.