Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
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I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking