fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
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Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Breaking news:
Botany good plants lately?
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!