Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
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The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination